Mononofu
by Ki-no-Shirayuki
Summary: Why sending Kane-san to the Heian period is a horrible idea.


**平安の記憶 – Memories of Heian**  
_9-1 平安京の近く – Near Heian-kyō_

Shuten-dōji knew of no such thing as giving up.

Even if he was refused service by a hundred pubs, even if he was bugged to hell and back by a hundred stupid masochistic "friends" and even if a hundred annoying onmyōji were all out to get him, once he set his mind on something, he would achieve it, and nothing in the world could stop him from doing so.

Today, he would make Momiji his.

She was as lovely as ever, beautiful yet dangerous, true to her name, the Demoness of the Red Leaves. Shuten-dōji was getting too carried away staring at her he forgot he was supposed to get out of the bush he was hiding in and make the first move, but he supposed it wouldn't hurt to gaze at her and fantasize a while longer before being inevitably hit in the face with cruel rejection as it was wont to be. Her graceful form, the way her silky dark hair flowed in the wind and her billowing kimono made for an exquisite sight to behold, made even more breathtaking by the endless rain of dancing crimson leaves. Lovely though everything was, Shuten-dōji couldn't help but notice that something was off. Her hair, it seemed, was even _longer_ than usual, the thick tresses reaching as far as her _feet_. And where did she get that _haori_? The light blue upper garment stuck out from the red the entire forest was dyed in like a sore thumb, making him want to run up to her and tackle her to the forest floor and tear that garment to pieces and set it on fire. If there was anything that Shuten-dōji couldn't stand beside not being able to be with the love of his life, it was the color light blue and a certain man who wore it. And since there was no way else she could have gotten a light blue _haori_… Determined to find out the cause, Shuten-dōji leapt out of the bush and barged towards her, shouting "What is the meaning of this, Momiji?!"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fucking bastard?"

Shuten-dōji was taken aback by the unmistakably masculine voice shouting back at him. Seconds later, he found himself staring not at the face of his red-eyed lady, but a blue-eyed young man who looked like he was about to grind him to a paste at the slightest provocation. "You're not Momiji!" Shuten-dōji only managed to gasp out.

"Of course not, you shithead!" the man continued to yell, "Isn't today shitty enough on its own? First I get separated from my team, next Kunihiro is nowhere to be found, and then I get a split-end. And now some idiot is mistaking me for someone else and doesn't bother to apologize? What the fuck is wrong with this place? What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

That was all it took for Shuten-dōji's mood to snap from shock to rage in a flash, and he grunted through gritted teeth, cracking his fist, "No one talks like that to the powerful Shuten-dōji and walks away alive. Daring to trick me into believing you're _her_ and then spouting insolent bullshit! Who do you think you are, little brat? I'll make you pay dearly for this!"

"Says the one with _dōji_ in his name." the man cracked a wide grin and placed his hand upon the hilt of his sword, an unspoken _bring it on_, "You won't stand a chance against me, the cool and strong…"

"_Kane-san_!"

An unmistakable voice calling from afar interrupted the duel before it started. Out came a young man who looked no older than any teenager, panting from running. If anything, his clothing looked weirder than anything Shuten-dōji had ever seen, even than the butt-ugly light blue coat right next to it. "Kane-san, thank gods you're alive. I was worried you could have been eaten by a _yōkai_. We need to go find your brother and the rest of our team quickly!"

"What do you mean 'eaten by a _yōkai_'? I'm not a kid and neither are you. Stop worrying about such fairytale nonsense." the long-haired man whined and pouted – yes, pouted like a little boy denied sweets, miles away from the formidable swordsman he was moments ago.

"Have you forgotten where we are? This is the era when _yōkai_ were plenty, and they're as dangerous as any Historical Revisionist. Both master and your brother have warned about this place before we headed here. Let's not waste any more time and get going."

At this point, Shuten-dōji was utterly confused, and not just about the whole "Historical Revisionist" business. "What the hell are you, little kid, and why are you interrupting our talk?" he asked, "And you over there! Are you gonna settle things straight once and for all or not?"

The taller man reached for his sword again until the teenage boy gave him a disapproving glance, at which he immediately turned into a pathetic pouting mess once again, letting out a _fiiiiiiine_ before following him like an oversized puppy. The spectacle had Shuten-dōji's eye twitching madly even long after the two had departed, only coming back to his senses when he was taken by surprise by no one other than Ibaraki-dōji throwing his arm around his shoulders.

"What's the matter, my friend?" he said, "You look like you're in great distress."

"Why yes, I am in great distress." Shuten-dōji said, "That guy genuinely amuses me. There hasn't been anyone amusing me since forever. Too bad I have to break the brutal truth to you" he paused for a while before staring his friend in the face, "I wish that Kane guy were my friend instead."

"_What_?!"

* * *

Horikawa was genuinely thankful that the white-haired horned man they met agreed to give them directions to the capital city, even though he was forcing the two of them to listen to his koto recital before he did so. That alone wouldn't have been so bad, especially when he did prove himself to be a gifted musician – the music he played had to be the most beautiful thing Horikawa had heard for a while, he swore he saw the flowers blooming even brighter and birds singing even sweeter – but his performance was getting dreadfully long. Horikawa was sure the song went on for at least an hour now. He feared that the time they spent warranted the Kebiishi's pursuit, but more importantly, Izuminokami was growing impatient. He stood up and started pacing back and forth grumbling non-stop, and Horikawa was afraid that that would anger the musician, causing him to turn them away without showing them the directions. Still, the musician wasn't thrown off his rhythm one bit and still didn't seem to have any intention of stopping, which irritated Izuminokami even more.

"Oh fuck all of this! How long is this guy gonna go on?" it was the last straw for him, and so he stomped over to Horikawa and attempted to drag him away, "We don't have all day, and the last thing I want is the Kebiishi coming for my ass! I don't need him to give directions, let's get the fuck out of here!"

The song came to an abrupt halt at that, and the musician said to them in the same monotone, unfeeling voice, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Steel nails once again plucked the strings, but this time in a different melody, faster, harsher, which both swords found out wasn't just a song. Before he knew it, Izuminokami's body was moving on its own, jumping up and down, making him roll on the forest floor, flapping and kicking like a hyperactive chicken among other ridiculous routines, and he could do nothing but let out a slew of curses that sent all the birds in the vicinity flying away.

"What are you doing? Let him go!" Horikawa was frantic, he desperately held the musician's arm in an attempt to tear his hands away from the strings. Chuckling darkly, the musician stopped, allowing Izuminokami to collapse to the ground in a messy, panting heap before dragging his nails across the open strings in one fluid motion, and Izuminokami was sitting right before him in a rigid _seiza_ posture, cursing inwardly from being unable to move his limbs.

"Now, you shall sit quietly and listen until the end." the musician said, letting a little smirk creep upon his lips as he mockingly drew his face closer to Izuminokami's while the latter couldn't help but wince.

* * *

"Please, I don't know who you are, but please don't hit me!" Hotarugusa clutched onto her dandelion stem as though her life depended on it as two taller men approached and towered over her. She let out a cry so loud the shorter of the two men had to cover his ears for fear of his eardrums bursting, "I'm sorry, I don't have any money, so let me go! Don't hit me!"

"Who's asking for money, you little shit?" the taller man shouted over her scream, which caused her to cry even louder, "You show me the way to the city, I let you go, that's the deal. Otherwise…"

"Kane-san, don't bully her. She's just a little girl." the shorter man intervened just when the other grabbed her by the collar, "What are you getting mad about? You are the one who failed to follow the directions that the kotoist gave us earlier!"

"Shut the hell up!" the taller man barked, and that was all he could say before he was knocked to the ground by an invisible force. The spectacle that unfolded left the other man unable to do anything beside standing there and gawking: beams of light fired non-stop from the oversized dandelion, a continuous onslaught of unknown energy that had the taller man rolling and screaming in pain. Still, nothing was more terrifying than the fact that Hotarugusa was unaware of the entire thing, still crying and begging for mercy even as her victim was nearly passing out from the attacks.

"Damn it. We have to go. I'm sorry." the shorter man apologized before hastily dragging his then greatly weakened companion away, not noticing Hotarugusa's not heeding his words at all and still crying.

* * *

Izuminokami woke up feeling like the inside of his head was bashed with an iron hammer over and over. One small noise would be enough to make his head explode any time now. He tried to reach his forehead to soothe the pain until he realized he couldn't move his arms at all.

He was bound.

"Oh for the sweet love of…" he grumbled, his eyes searching around the pitch black darkness around him. Once they got used to the dark, he could make out his surroundings – the interior of a cave – and no one other than Horikawa, as helpless and bound as he, lying unconscious farther away from him. "Kunihiro! What happened? Where are we?" Izuminokami gasped, trying to wiggle and crawl towards him. He couldn't remember when they got unconscious, he couldn't remember how they ended up there, but it was the least of his concern. All he wanted to do was to find a way out of there as quickly as possible. Already he could envision the rest of his team returning to their time before they could find them, leaving the two of them to die alone in an unknown cave, or, failing that, someone coming to find them who turned out to be the Kebiishi who had already slaughtered the rest of his team for staying in the past too long to find them and would kill them both next. Either of those were horrible, so Izuminokami had to find a way to escape before it was too late.

"What do you think you're doing, my long-haired beauty?" someone pulled Izuminokami upright, and he soon found himself staring at a ghastly pale face. A set of bony fingers with long black nails were holding his chin and his nostrils were greeted by torrents of breath reeking of tobacco, and it made him feel sick.

"Who the hell are you? What have you done to us?" Izuminokami yelled and struggled futilely against his bonds, which prompted a bout of contemptuous laughter from the creature opposite him.

"People usually call me Kamikui, the demon who eats hair." the creature said, "Well, not always. Who has the heart to eat such beautiful, luscious hair?" he reached into Izuminokami's long locks and fiddled with the strands, making him shudder in disgust. "If this isn't the most beautiful hair in all of the three thousand worlds that I've found right here! Don't worry, I won't kill you, as long as you stay quiet and let me enjoy those silky tresses of yours. Otherwise, I have some plans for your little friend over there…"

"Bastard!" Izuminokami grumbled.

"That's right, if you value the life of your friend, you better be good or…" he never finished, because he felt coldness touching his neck, which he soon found out was from a blade positioned there, dangerously on the verge of slicing his head off. Someone got him from behind.

"If you value your own life, you will keep your hands off my brother." he heard a menacing whisper in his ear, and, gulping, he let go of Izuminokami. "Thanks. Now get out of my way."

The demon complied, and Izuminokami couldn't do much beside gasp out, "Nosada!" as his brother approached and began cutting off his ropes. Kasen only gave him a cold glare in return, and he cowered a little.

"Look, I'm sorry for wandering off on my own. I won't do that again, okay?" Izuminokami stuttered while soothing his rope burns, but Kasen didn't bother breathing a single word of response, quietly freeing Horikawa and slinging him over his back.

"You fought no enemies and ran off on your own, making everybody stay in this era longer than they should just to look for you." Kasen finally said, "You have been a good-for-nothing burden today. How can I ever trust you again?"

"Come on, I said I'm sorry!"

"I'll report everything to master and make sure you're never sent to this era again."

"Oh good. I'm one-hundred percent sick of this _yōkai_-overrun so-called 'miyabi' period anyway." with that, the three of them headed towards the exit.


End file.
